Guilt

I ignored the signs.

"Ok boys, time to get ready for church."

"Nooooo, I don't wanna, I like it at home, I just wanna stay here, I have an idea - we could play down in the basement and you could even just go on the computer." (I am not making any of that up. Nice, huh?)

Cut to one hour later and I'm sneaking out of church (the church that I play the piano at every sunday for at least one Mass) with two naughty, noisy, whining, distracting boys. I was SO MAD. I haven't mentioned that I've been home alone with the boys for eleven days. Two more to go. I decided it was best to not tell the online world that I was home alone with my children for two weeks. So, this meltdown at church sent me over the edge and I got in the car and yelled at my kids. It wasn't a proud moment. I should clarify: I yelled at Jackson. I didn't yell yell, but I definitely raised my voice a considerable amount. Enough to elicit silence in the car for a good five minutes. Until Jackson muttered, "You hurt my feelings, Mama." I was still mad so that didn't get him anywhere.

Cut to 1 hour later when they are playing in the basement so I can practice some of this tasteless wedding music I have to play for a wedding on Saturday. I walk out of my studio to check on them (it had been about 10 minutes and I can hear that they are safely playing) and they (Jackson) have taken EVERY SINGLE toy we have in the basement (which is about 2,000) and put it in a huge pile. They (Jackson) even took all the puzzles apart, the games apart, the train out of its box, Mr. Potato Head out of its case to further compound the mess. It was ridiculous. And I "yelled" again.

Cut to 2 hours later as I'm noticing that they both feel rather warm, make that hot, and yep, they both have fevers. Andrew's is almost 102. Way to go, Mom. He told you he didn't want to go to church and it was because he didn't feel good. They took 3 hour naps and I went to church choir rehearsal (they slept the entire time for the sitter and I HAD to get out of the house for a little bit) and I apologized to Jackson at dinner. He said, "And I'm really sorry I was so rude at church. I think it was because I have a fever."

These are painful parenting days. When you feel like you failed. I know he won't remember that I yelled and was so impatient and he probably learned a little lesson but oh, the guilt. Jackson is now sound asleep but Andrew is having a hard time staying that way. He's woken up five times in the past 3 1/2 hours.

Here's hoping tomorrow brings a break in the fevers and an upgrade in the patience department.