I'm having this complex, mixed-up, bi-polar reaction to turning 40. On the one hand, I appreciate the things I have kind of figured out. I can appreciate the wisdom that my years have given me. I have some perspective when it comes to what really matters. I can more clearly see the big picture. On the other hand, I'm really excited about this career I'm making for myself and I feel like it's happening kind of late in the game. Or rather, the part two of my career is coming late. I fully realize that this is ok but I'm just wrestling with some feelings of regret. I had a tearful conversation with Brian late one night not too long ago about what it means to forgive yourself for the things you couldn't figure out in the timeline you'd hoped and how to let go of the dreams you had to make room for the new version. This is the blessing and the curse of being so emotionally self-aware. Sometimes I envy the people who can just go with the flow and not over-think everything. I seem to have to do a decent amount of processing first.
I came across this blog post recently and it was comforting. Creative people often travel a path with lots of turns and bends. It's fun and energizing but not exactly stable. It reminds me of the way I describe my hair. I refer to my hair as unruly. I feel like people with straight hair look put together, smooth, calm. My curls have a mind of their own. Sometimes they are fun, sometimes pretty, sometimes frizzy, and sometimes a total mess. Sounds like a typical week in the life of me. Anyway, this author wrote about the art of getting your shit together - something I've often wondered when I will achieve. I like her thoughts.
"I am realizing that, contrary to what I assumed when I was 19 and trying to get my shit together, there is no specific life benchmark at which point my shit will magically coalesce. Not adulthood, motherhood, not marriage, no job, no relationship will mean my shit is officially united... I've attained all those things and I'm still stumbling around like a toddler learning to walk.
Thing is, there will always be something. Life is a continual struggle to get our shit together and then we die - shit decidedly not together. That is to say that shit: it never really gets together so chill out and enjoy the goddamn journey already because in a blink we'll all be dead. Put that in a meme and Facebook it."
http://thegirlwho.net/journal/shit-it-never-gets-together.html
My friend Amy says that all hell is gonna break loose when she turns 40. In a good way. I'm trying to embrace that mentality. To be proud of my previous 39 years and know that life is only getting better.
No comments:
Post a Comment